To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Oh boy another rough day, boy I have my work cut out for me in regards to changing things. Denise seems to be "on it" and yet here I am struggling to get my crap together. I worked today and was pretty chipper but had a pretty major fight with the spouse and as of yesterday we have a 9 month old dog living with us as a "trial." If it doesn't work she'll be going back to her original owner. The hardest part is taking on 9 months of someone else's BS and what not. While the dog is very nice and good with us she is a puppy and requires lots of attention and was not at all properly trained with her last owner. We are struggling to decide whether or not its worth it with two toddlers. So that has put an enormous strain on my day.
In regards to helping a stranger today, I was actually the stranger who was helped today which was absolutely amazing. I subbed today in special ed and often times I find it very challenging especially with my personality and short fuse. However, it has brought many good things into my life and much appreciation for the love and support these teachers give these students. Anyway, I was told by the head teacher that I "have a knack for working with the kids and that I am so positive and it helps so much that I just 'jump right in' and start tending to their needs." I really felt appreciated and needed/wanted which is oftentimes rare as a substitute. So I really felt that I was getting back some of what I am putting out.
In regards to ten minutes by myself...sort of. This morning before work I took the dog for a 30 minute walk, while I wasn't totally alone I was away from other people which was nice.
I didn't get my gym time in today which really made me feel rather crappy about myself but tomorrow is another day.
As far as my negatives go...
a.) While looking in the mirror at school today I thought "wow I look 4 months pregnant that's pretty embarassing." Countered with only one positive which was "well I'll start working on my lower stomach then."
b.) My husband was supposed to be up at 6 am today so I could get ready for work and he could take care of the dog and kids. He woke up at 7 am AFTER I yelled at him that I had no time to get ready for work. Afterwards I realized that I could have been nicer about it instead of yelling. Often times I resent the fact that I am working and is staying home with the kids, and I also feel that his "sleeping in" is a blatant disregard for my feelings, but I know deep down that is not the case. I am realizing that until I feel better about my self, esteem wise, I will constantly think that people are "out to get me." When I know very well that is not the case.
c.) Had a few small moments where I hated my life or more "I wish....". Examples
-I wish I made more money
-I wish my husband made more money so I could stay home with my kids
-I wish we had more kids
-I wish my spouse was someone different
-I wish I was thinner, smarter, prettier....pretty much anyone else but me.
-I wish people liked me
-I wish I wasn't so afraid to be me...
These can be tough because sometimes when these feelings wash over they come one right after the other and I am on a role and then there is no time to stop and redirect myself. The final one is my biggest obstacle. I spend 90% of my life doing what I think would make others happy. I am afraid to be myself, afraid to ask for what I want, afraid to be anything shy of what I assume perfection is. "What if they see my true colors and they stop loving me? Better to pretend to be something I'm not so that if/when they do leave it won't hurt as badly because I never showed them my true colors anyway."--This will be my final and most important "chip" or habit to break.
I picked up my Self Esteem book that my grandmother bought me a few Christmases ago and I am looking forward to picking up some other useful tools on breaking this pattern of abuse. I'm very ashamed of my pattern. Two weeks ago I was in the bathroom in just a bra and underwear and I was pinching my stomach and talking to myself hatefully while my 3 year old daughter watched. Later that day she was crying and told me (mind you she speaks of herself in third person) "I don't like Isabelle, Isabelle's ugly." WTF have I done to my beautiful precious daughter through my self torture of one of the people she holds on a pedestal. I love my children more than life and the last thing I would ever want is for either of them to suffer at their own hands especially. We hold the keys to our own happiness, the only person who can take that away is us.
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