september 11th

its been a few days i was just now able to cope with this day...
not much to say: hmmmmm. RIP CPL Richard A Smith 3/31/86-12/31/06



Until you know the pain of knowing your baby brother was blown basically in half by a bastard who hates everything you stand for...dont tell me to unite nor hold hands with people like his murderer. Sorry if that doesnt give you a warm fuzzy and makes you think im hatin'. HATE is what killed him that day. He wasnt KIA(gotta love that term...such a way to take away from the truth) He was murdered. And again just because I dont agree doesnt mean I hate...i choose not to deal with it. There is nothing about September 11 that will ever make me feel anything happy. SO while people wanna tell me this and that...FREEDOM is a 2 way street. And Hypocrisy goes both ways. Live and let live...really understand that while your holding up your signs trying to get me to think like you do. It amazes me the denial of people...there actually is evil just like there is good...there cannot possible be one without the other. Im not mad at your for 'drinking the koolaid' dont be mad at me for passing it up;)

 And before you judge me and my feelings...I would love to get a huge projector and be able to show you the film that is played so often in my head. invision your little brother ot sister driving along in a hummer(not the new kind) the old ones with no extra armor. BOOM...i wont get graphic...enough said. now whats up?


in the meantime we were blessed to have my nephew little Rich...just like his daddy:) He is an orphan. He will never get to hold his daddys hand or be tucked in bed and feel his kiss. But hey it was in the plan...so. anyway i miss him and that doesnt change. I will deff see you again some day lil bro<3 this song and video remind me of him...this is what i will wonder...'who youd be today'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ne3cz9eUsQ&ob=av2e

whatever...

today was deff a 'whatever' kind of day...

inspirational:

LALALAwhatever...i love that song. for those who havent heard it...ya gotta hear it;) i think we all get to the whatever point. its been a few days since my last post because of september 11th. thats where it all began. so saturday it was whatever;)

avoided negativity by keeping myself preoccupied with whatever i could...i even got starbucks and didnt think of the fat content!

delivered SCENTSY and met with a new customer/friend...visited my step sister and her new baby:)

spent time with my kids and my alone time was driving from here to mesquite and back while Brayden slept...it was cool:)

no work out...but drank plenty of Dr. Oz's tangeraide and that stuff is the bomb! will deff get rid of belly fat!

i really dont have much to say in fear of venting about 9/11. just remember...not agreeing doesnt ever mean hate...dont let em fool ya<3

finding the beauty in who WE are...

i was extremely busy with a touch of being preoccupied the past 2 days so i apologize for the late post...

my inspirationals:

"beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news" Romans 10:15 ♥ 
-- LOVE this verse...i wanna be this person again. I think this is such a positive beautiul verse:)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in ...all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
--Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

--how awesome is this? This motivates me to regain "my light" to not let it be snubbed out by those people and things who seek to destroy me and my happiness due to the transgressions/shortcomings they hold within themselves.

 

i am doing great with pushing out the negatives i feel...however now its other peoples negatives all around me. i am trying to lift those around me up...sometimes it helps me sometimes it hurts me. This may sound selfish but i would really like to take a few days off...in serious need of a vacation.

 

no time alone today...unless you count the shower.

 

workout...zumba

 

did spend time with  my kids:)

 

felt like i hurt someones feelings and didnt like that...so i decided to have some wine...enjoyed it:)

this is me...love me or hate me...im going to be me! and i really like the real me. ive decided with this experiment/journey im not going to let what others think i should be or how i should act matter. I know God loves me and designed me for a unique purpose<3 im on  my way back to me!

Self-approval

Quote of the day: Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

  Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we're lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.
  In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our own best interest and being true to ourselves. In the end, that's the only approval that counts. -Melody Beattie from The Language of Letting Go.

The aforementioned quote sums up my entire life pretty much as well as today. The need to be loved, to be needed, and to be perfect are my biggest issues and they destroy most of my happiness and sanity to be quite honest. It is Saturday night so I won't be spending as much time on today's post because it has been a long day and I am exhausted. I'll be back tomorrow.

I have Seen the Enemy and it is I

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Oh boy another rough day, boy I have my work cut out for me in regards to changing things. Denise seems to be "on it" and yet here I am struggling to get my crap together. I worked today and was pretty chipper but had a pretty major fight with the spouse and as of yesterday we have a 9 month old dog living with us as a "trial." If it doesn't work she'll be going back to her original owner. The hardest part is taking on 9 months of someone else's BS and what not. While the dog is very nice and good with us she is a puppy and requires lots of attention and was not at all properly trained with her last owner. We are struggling to decide whether or not its worth it with two toddlers. So that has put an enormous strain on my day.

In regards to helping a stranger today, I was actually the stranger who was helped today which was absolutely amazing. I subbed today in special ed and often times I find it very challenging especially with my personality and short fuse. However, it has brought many good things into my life and much appreciation for the love and support these teachers give these students. Anyway, I was told by the head teacher that I "have a knack for working with the kids and that I am so positive and it helps so much that I just 'jump right in' and start tending to their needs." I really felt appreciated and needed/wanted which is oftentimes rare as a substitute. So I really felt that I was getting back some of what I am putting out.

In regards to ten minutes by myself...sort of. This morning before work I took the dog for a 30 minute walk, while I wasn't totally alone I was away from other people which was nice.

I didn't get my gym time in today which really made me feel rather crappy about myself but tomorrow is another day.

As far as my negatives go...

a.) While looking in the mirror at school today I thought "wow I look 4 months pregnant that's pretty embarassing." Countered with only one positive which was "well I'll start working on my lower stomach then."

b.) My husband was supposed to be up at 6 am today so I could get ready for work and he could take care of the dog and kids. He woke up at 7 am AFTER I yelled at him that I had no time to get ready for work. Afterwards I realized that I could have been nicer about it instead of yelling. Often times I resent the fact that I am working and is staying home with the kids, and I also feel that his "sleeping in" is a blatant disregard for my feelings, but I know deep down that is not the case. I am realizing that until I feel better about my self, esteem wise, I will constantly think that people are "out to get me." When I know very well that is not the case.

c.) Had a few small moments where I hated my life or more "I wish....". Examples
     -I wish I made more money
     -I wish my husband made more money so I could stay home with my kids
     -I wish we had more kids
     -I wish my spouse was someone different
     -I wish I was thinner, smarter, prettier....pretty much anyone else but me.
     -I wish people liked me
     -I wish I wasn't so afraid to be me...
These can be tough because sometimes when these feelings wash over they come one right after the other and I am on a role and then there is no time to stop and redirect myself. The final one is my biggest obstacle. I spend 90% of my life doing what I think would make others happy. I am afraid to be myself, afraid to ask for what I want, afraid to be anything shy of what I assume perfection is. "What if they see my true colors and they stop loving me? Better to pretend to be something I'm not so that if/when they do leave it won't hurt as badly because I never showed them my true colors anyway."--This will be my final and most important "chip" or habit to break.

I picked up my Self Esteem book that my grandmother bought me a few Christmases ago and I am looking forward to picking up some other useful tools on breaking this pattern of abuse. I'm very ashamed of my pattern. Two weeks ago I was in the bathroom in just a bra and underwear and I was pinching my stomach and talking to myself hatefully while my 3 year old daughter watched. Later that day she was crying and told me (mind you she speaks of herself in third person) "I don't like Isabelle, Isabelle's ugly." WTF have I done to my beautiful precious daughter through my self torture of one of the people she holds on a pedestal. I love my children more than life and the last thing I would ever want is for either of them to suffer at their own hands especially. We hold the keys to our own happiness, the only person who can take that away is us.

learning lessons and giving up what we cant "control" and caring for others

day 3:

verse/inspirational:

"so we should realize that just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord our God disciplines us to help us." Deuteronomy 8:5

i believe certain things are allowed to happen to teach us lessons and not to continue doing the same things God himself points out to us as wrong...this is a HUGE deal ive seen with all the elders in my family. im afraid i at times may try to be an extremist the other way with this one...vowing not to tolerate anything else. theres a fine line with this one and i am trying to walk it...lol. trying not to be so blind and ate up with the fact "im right all the time" you keep repeating the same story line...even with different people/situations.like the game never changed...only the faces. ugh darn you generational curse! this is deff something i dont want my kids to do...so then i moved on to my next inspirational...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

what an awesome one that is:) now to live by it! this is hard because i do try to control...in what i think is a good way...but it never lets those around me do for themselves.(another old generational curse) ugh ugh ugh!

i did not get my 10 minutes alone...while showering it was the norm...my son was beating on the shower door...lol but i truly love that because i know one day he will be too big and wanna hang elsewhere than with mom:/

my work out was a 30 min walk with my baby boy,middle daughter and my sister<3 (who was actually smiling and laughing while we walked...score!)

i had several interactions with strangers today and had a huge smile on my face:) its contagious...except for a few and when they didnt return the smile...i cheesed it out like i had something to hide and they stared like WTH is up with that woman?! haha that was actually kinda fun:) i also chased down a reciept in the walwart parking lot for a lady who was very grateful...i told her she looked too cute to be running around after it...she loved that;)

there were several negatives that tried to invade today but i kicked their butts pretty hardcore today;)
my daughter and i went to order her boyfriends arm garter mum for homecoming (wow are they expensive) but okay...its only for a couple of times and i want her to live it up and enjoy her life! 

the overall attitude of doing anything in the house that doesnt pertain to ones self can be quite a bummer...instead of complaining i just 'blocked' people out for a few and then they got the picture ane helped (a little) lol

my son fights his sleep BIG time: 2 hours a night for bedtime. so instead of the ususal wearing myself out or trying to multitask even at that time of day: i shut the door,turned out the lights and gave him my full attention...it worked we cut the time down by about 30 min lol...still a work in progress

i spent time with each of my kids it was nice:)

i had a really hard time yesterday...i found out a local teenager killed himself. it bothered me so bad i had difficulty sleeping. And no he wasnt gay(that anyone knew) he was just a regular teen. he played basketball. went to a great school. had a pretty girlfriend. im not sure what would make him feel so very alone it would come to that :( but it absloutely breaks my heart. i heard different rumors of family problems at home and extended family. some people at school teasing him. it just makes me sick! people can be so damn mean. i wish i could have helped him though i didnt know him:/
i hope that people really understand what bullying and a feel of abandonment can do to some people...this kid reached out and noone heard. nowadays however its hard to reach out because people are so judgemental and mean you can afraid to or regret when you do. i know ive been there. this touches me to the very core of my heart. i feel like i felt like this over the summer. i was completely distraught and felt alone and abandoned. im not going to go into it all right now...but i was pretty much turned on by some very key people in my life. it hurt. it hurt bad. with God's grace and mercy i came out of it...this boy didnt:( there has to be something i can do to help others who feel this way...im praying God gives me an answer on what i can do to help. PLEASE people stop being mean. Stop caring only about your own household. Help people! Feed the hungry. donate clothes and household items. help someone clean. send someone a card.Stop being in a click and ganging up on 1 or 2 people. it hurts. its ugly. and i know God doesnt like it! you do matter...everyone matters. if we would all change whats in us this world would be a much better place<3

We Need Only be the Best Person that we can be!

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”- Rumi, thirteenth century Sufi poet

Today was so-so on keeping with my new plan. A few negatives (shocker in the weight department) and a few happiness pieces. As per usual I am really struggling with this weight stuff and its beginning to concern me how hard I am on myself to be honest. I want to stop comparing myself to others yet here I am each and every day struggling to let go of these pointless comparisons with others on body figures and such. I know that I am my own worst enemy and that my only responsibility in regards to weight is to be the best that Guin can be, not some figment of my imagination. However, I think I enjoy self torturing;).

My one kindness to a stranger came forth today at work when I subbed for a PreK class. The teacher was absolutely gorgeous and you could tell she worked out. Not only that, but she was a terrific teacher and so patient with the kiddos. I told her at the end of the day how great she was as a teacher and how I haven't seen many as good as her (which was the truth in my eyes) and then I let her know that her hard work at the gym was paying off as she looked very fit etc etc. She seemed very flattered and happy by these comments and it made me happy to help brighten someone's day.

In regards to negative comments I had oh probably a dozen at least in regards to body image and at the current moment I don't exactly feel like going into mass detail but suffice it to say that I have a lot of work to do. That's it for today...just too exhausted and disappointed to go into detail. 

Being a blessing to others:) dont get discouraged in doing good!

"let us not just love by word or with tongue...but by our deeds and truths" 1 John 3:18 ♥ this was my verse/inspirational for the day...and i lived it and i was exhausted by the end of the day...lol. thats why i am a day late posting. i even laid back down and slept until 10:15! ugh i feel like a bum doing that but i literally couldnt open my eyes.

okay well let me start first by saying...in trying to oust the negative things out of your life, it ceratainly highlights the negative/stressful sources...lol

okay so in the stranger kindness portion: i actually had a lady approach me in Costco...she was saying how cute Brayden was and how i should put him in one of those picture contest(he had on my cap) she was holding her hands under her arm pits in an odd way. my aunt was talking to her and as she was leaving my aunt says "God bless you maam and have a great day" As we were walking she said 'please tell her thank you for that, she doesnt know what that means to a 2 time breast cancer survivor' wow i thought...i have to hear her story(testimony) shes wanting to share it and its being presented to me,(thank you God for the lesson) thats where my bible study this AM comes into play...thank you for hte confirmation. She went into how she was diagnosed...after a mamomgram...no signs...no symptoms...and hormone replacement therapy they believe was the reason. it was an estrogen tumor...hmmm very interesting me. Then she said the second time it came back...within the same year it was bigger and worse. they removed both of her breasts:/ and didnt want to even attempt reconstruction because of what all she had already been through. During the time all this happened her husband who BTW was 70 was in Iraq working and her home buisness was going to have to close because she jut couldnt handle it all. STRESS she said...thats what made me sick WOW WOW WOW! i felt like she was sent directly from God to talk to me...like a warning to stop stressing. She proceeded to tell me how let she was by all her "friends and family" for not being there for her and how alone she felt! i was sitting there in awe at her story. Even with her having cancer,husband gone,losing buisness,money issues...people turned their backs. i wanted to cry for her i could see the pain. then i thought at that moment God wants us to put our faith in him...not fellow man. And she said...i realized then to 'let go' i had to let go of all the people,things etc...that didnt bring health to my life and put my focus where it belongs. I hugged her and told her how proud i was of her courage and that i loved her,would pray for her and God bless you. As we left the store i could see the smile as she walked to catch up with her husband. Now i wish i would have gotten her name...but maybe she was one of those "everyday angels" sent from the good Lord to let us know he may be very busy but he is watching and dont give up the good fight! Friends dont ever ever let other people force you into doing or accepting things or people who cause you pain,unhealth or take you off your walk...oust the negtivity...it will cost you your best life.

i had no 10 min 'me time' i even missed my standing appt with my personal trainer and lost mt 50 LT bucks:/ but i did get to take my sister to get a job(which she did)yay! and spent time with my aunt debbie at the store:) i wish she knew what a blessing she is...again its that generational curse thing...blah! get outta here!!

i did none of my workout:(

i spent time with the kids by helping the middle one with her 'forgotten until the last minute project' at 10 pm...lol and the time i spent with the other 2 was during the 4 hour drive around the metroplex...lol

negatives/postitives

1.sister complaining: instead of getting angry and saying this and that (believe me i wanted to lol) i uplifted her with hope:) that was a job! for those that know her...love you sis<3

2.driving the long drive to practices: one day she will be grown and moved out;/ and though im tired today and wouldve like to spend some time on myself, i am so very grateful for her and these moments:)

3.the "forgotten over due project" okay again one day she will be moved out or wont need or want my help anymore and i love her so much...lets do it:) and some kids dont even do homework and dont care if the fail...mine does so yeah:)

4.not happy with the flabby wave flap of fat under my arm...my son brought it woo my attention...but hey im working on it and it makes him laugh so bump it! lol:)

5.my husband and all his "stuff" FAIL in making a positive out that right now...Lord this ones in your court. the 'grown man' behaving like a child is a MAJOR issue in my life...pray for me. But idk how they do it KY but here they would never leave a new harley waiting outside the gates after you fix it with the keys in the saddlebag and no paperwork signed...like i said! lol(and im not husband bashing...im being honest and keeping it real)

okay so there ya go...the good the bad the ugly...day 3 bring it!

Happiness is a Choice

My "quote" for the day comes from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. Its a book of meditations for the every day. I scrolled to September 7 and this is what I found (unfortunately I read this AFTER having had a really bad day:(). 

  Stop making excuses for other people.

  Stop making excuses for ourselves. 

  While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior, and, at the same time, have compassion and understanding for ourselves.

  When we claim powerlessness, we are not claiming irresponsibility. We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do. We're stating that we are willing to end an ineffective life based on willpower and control. And we're beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves.

  We are not victims. We are not helpless. Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.-Melody Beattie

Again, perhaps I should have read this passage this morning before I CHOSE to let my day become what it did. I recognize that it is only Day 2 and that I cannot expect myself to have no failings but man what a day. I woke up at 5 am to hit up the gym with a friend and woke feeling irritated so it was no surprise that I would attack my body immediately (after all its always an ample target). 

a.)         a.)  Put on my workout clothes and tried to go off on my thighs again. I didn’t go through my two positives, however I did choose to walk away from the mirror and not self- torture.

b             b.)   Dropped my water bottle (left opened on my passenger seat) while turning onto a road which is being worked on. “Son of a bitch, if these assholes would just finish this stupid paving this wouldn’t have happened.” Again, failed to come up with my two positives BUT I did think of other things to stop the negativity from continuing past these comments.

  

       c.)   At the Body Pump Class (this was my first time) I tried grabbing someone else’s step (I didn’t know) and berated myself for most of the hour long class for being such a dummy and grabbing someone else’s step. The drive home was better. I reminded myself that there are no good and bad things in life only neutral things and that I choose whether they are good or bad.

      

       d.) Feeling overall hopeless today. I didn't get called to sub today and we really could use the money so I felt like I was failing my family and powerless over my own lot in life. I didn't get an opportunity to visit my friend in the hospital, which again led me to feel as if I am failing those who matter so much to me. I decided to binge on candy corn, which as usual only made me feel worse and subsequently harder on myself in regards to my body. One thing I recognize is when I get this way I am nothing but poisonous to those around me. I began talking shit about people, snapping at Randy, and forgetting my new vows to change my life. 

       Today essentially opened my eyes more. When I get in these moods where I just spew and spew I feel upset that I wasted a day of my life on insignificant BS. I took my 3 year old daughter for her very first manicure today and she was positively glowing. I so desperately want to be a good role model for her. I cannot stomach the idea of her talking to herself as I do. I heard from a therapist once that "you will always fail if you tell yourself 'shoulds.' 'I should be doing this or I should be acting this way.' Instead  we should start with acceptance. 'I am sarcastic, I am a loud mouth, I am selfish once in a while.' From there you can begin to change, but before you can walk you must learn to crawl."

      I did not help a stranger today, but I did continue to be polite and kind to those around me minus my husband unfortunately (he felt a lot of snappiness from me). 

      All I can say is that tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to try again.

day 1 of our journey into health and healing for us,our kids and generations to come:)

Before I start just a few things: This is a blog for my good friend and I to share our feelings,emotions,our walk etc...there is no room for spell checking(so while i appreciate you english teachers out there) give us a break...im texan for one and will prob be speaking in slang abbreviations etc... Also there is no room for any policital correctness either...this is strictly our journey and in doing this we hope to inspire other women and to also let them know they are not alone. There may be one thing or 5 that you can or cant relate to...were here because we realize we have shortcomings and want to change for ourselves,our children and generations to come:) I will get more into the details of why we decided to do this later.

today day 1: kind of ironic it starts today...it would have been my nana's birthday(RIP nana) love and miss her deeply...however i know alot of the issues im dealing with come from her...God bless her heart...truly dont think she ever knew better:/

we agreed to do several things each day as forms of personal growth:

a quote/bible verse/inpirational...started my day out with 3 quotes: 3 due to confirmation on my feelings of hope to break the chains that bind me daily.

1. So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles
--i thought this was excellent...so much to do with a generational curse.

defintion:Generational curses are judgments that are passed on to individuals because of sins perpetuated in a family in a number of generations. Generational curses are similar to original sin curses because they can be passed down on a generational basis. They differ in that generational curses do not impose eternal judgment. They bring judgment or bondage during an individual’s life, reducing the quality of life, until that individual addresses the sin issues that put the curses into place. to me its like a form of alcoholism,abuse,insecurity,jealousy etc...all unhealthy!

2. If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit
--this one is refreshing because its taken me this long to truly realize the people i looked up to as a child are 'just people' too...they make mistakes and have their own issues. I cant change that but i can change the way i think about it:)

3. I'd rather live my life knowing that I'm not perfect, rather than spending my whole life pretending to be;)
--this one makes me smile because it states something i feel about several people directly involved in my life. well now indirectly but still in the mainstream of it all...lol

Spend 10 minutes alone with God outside in nature: didnt happen...however i did read some scripture and manage to quickly shower before the madness began...lol

the workout: no lifetime...but started the 100 workout(ty tracy) but only halfway completed...SAHMandW duty called all day...lol

spend time with kiddos one on one...will try again tomorrow

eliminating the 5 negatives and replacing each with 2 positives:

i fight negativity from the second i wake up anymore. this morning i couldnt get the door unlocked(because the kids have pushed on it so much when its locked due to their impatience)that it needs to be tightned or something and i couldnt get out so of course"shit" was probably my 1st word of the day...ugh. then i got mad at steven thinking of course he wont fix it he doesnt fix anything. so i immediately pushed the chain of negativity that was creeping up out and said thank you God for this awesome weather and told my daughter to have a  great day at school and realized how proud i truly am of her hard work in making varsity this year:) and also patted myself on the back for helping her achieve her dreams:)

so i had this awesome day planned and get a call from my husband telling me how crappy his day is and how the expensive bike he just bought has to go to the shop and he needs a ride now. hmmmm. so i hung up the phone. im sure after saying 'shit' again...haha. but then pushed out the chain that begin again...hes so selfish,what about me,all my laundry is already out to do,oh braydens hungry needs a nap,this interferes with my day etc...and got up and went. on the way i had a great convo with an awesome friend and he filled my gas up...hey win win:)

then i went to put on some pants i have and they looked so gross on my backside...i was looking in the mirror thinking all these thoughts again...ugh my body will never be the same,will i need plastic surgery on and on...then Brayden walks in with my sunglasses on saying mama car car...lol i picked him up and thanked God for such a blessing he is. then i threw the pants away;)

so i get on FB and of course the devil throws it out there like a bone...once again the negativeness and anger of someone being fake and lying. they didnt help me when i needed it,never return what i do blah blah blah...so i deleted the strife...and decided to cut ties until im treated with respect because i deserve that and and empowered in knowing having those kind of people in your life create confusion...and i dont need that;)

I had a job interview and was hyped up...however i cancelled it.and joined a support group with other SAHM... I have to decided to embrace being a SAHM and enjoy everday at home with my sweet little man<3 and i dont need anyones approval for that!

i didnt encounter any strangers for a random act of kindness...but will make up for it while im out tomorrow.

i did my best to encourage and uplift all day long...i feel like im making a breakthrough due to how down ive been...ty for the support! one day at a time

Each Day Brings me One Step Closer to who I want to be!

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

  So for Day 1 of my new program on revamping my life and subsequently my attitude, I found several repeats in the negative department. This tells me what to look for and be aware of for future prevention.

  I probably had more negatives then this, but I didn't remember to write down every little thing. Its tough with woking to have an opportunity to write down everything.

a.) Went to the gym this morning and looked at myself in the mirror and said "God, look at your inner thighs that's disgusting. How can you live with yourself?" I said this in my head then tried to think of my two positives to replace this negative..."But the back of your thighs have a muscle that's starting to show that's cool, and your arms look really trim and cut"-not my best work but a start.

b.) At work I went into the classroom before the students arrived and said "You're a fraud, you have no idea what you are doing and the kids will eat you alive." While I couldn't come up with my two positives, at the end of the day I told myself "Guin, you did great today, the kids really seemed to enjoy the class and you maintained classroom management...I'm so proud of you."

c.) Had a bit of a breakdown when my son, Logan and I were playing "pretend makeup" he was pulling my shirt up and asking me about my belly button and what it is, etc. I saw my stretch marked covered stomach and felt very crappy about myself. I started to wonder how anyone could find me attractive then I stopped and told myself "you have no control over whether or not you get stretch marks from pregnancy its not your fault." That seemed to make me feel a little better.

In regards to complimenting or helping a stranger I decided to focus on other women today who may be struggling with body image issues.

At the gym, there was a pregnant woman walking the track while I ran. During my cool down I decided to slow down and talk to her. I told her “You are absolutely gorgeous. You’re definitely glowing and that’s the look that makes people want to be pregnant.” She seemed rather surprised then smiled and put her hand on my arm and thanked me. It felt good to tell her that, because I wish someone had said that to me when I was pregnant. Its a lonely place being pregnant, in regards to body image issues. I also helped a woman at the kids' school with getting in the building. She looked fantastic ESPECIALLY for having a little baby so I made sure to tell her how beautiful she looked. I will be working on my compliments to people because I tend to overexplain or go overboard to where it almost seems not genuine.

Perhaps my hardest goal today was attempting to be "present" with my kiddos for an hour. I ended up making it 15 minutes of playing at the park where I was completely saturated with just the kiddos and not thinking of anything else. Definitely a work in progress to get to that hour where I can be 100%. This is not to say that I neglect my children, it is just that when I am playing with them I'm not always completely 100 percent mentally immersed in the activity we are doing.