september 11th

its been a few days i was just now able to cope with this day...
not much to say: hmmmmm. RIP CPL Richard A Smith 3/31/86-12/31/06



Until you know the pain of knowing your baby brother was blown basically in half by a bastard who hates everything you stand for...dont tell me to unite nor hold hands with people like his murderer. Sorry if that doesnt give you a warm fuzzy and makes you think im hatin'. HATE is what killed him that day. He wasnt KIA(gotta love that term...such a way to take away from the truth) He was murdered. And again just because I dont agree doesnt mean I hate...i choose not to deal with it. There is nothing about September 11 that will ever make me feel anything happy. SO while people wanna tell me this and that...FREEDOM is a 2 way street. And Hypocrisy goes both ways. Live and let live...really understand that while your holding up your signs trying to get me to think like you do. It amazes me the denial of people...there actually is evil just like there is good...there cannot possible be one without the other. Im not mad at your for 'drinking the koolaid' dont be mad at me for passing it up;)

 And before you judge me and my feelings...I would love to get a huge projector and be able to show you the film that is played so often in my head. invision your little brother ot sister driving along in a hummer(not the new kind) the old ones with no extra armor. BOOM...i wont get graphic...enough said. now whats up?


in the meantime we were blessed to have my nephew little Rich...just like his daddy:) He is an orphan. He will never get to hold his daddys hand or be tucked in bed and feel his kiss. But hey it was in the plan...so. anyway i miss him and that doesnt change. I will deff see you again some day lil bro<3 this song and video remind me of him...this is what i will wonder...'who youd be today'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ne3cz9eUsQ&ob=av2e

whatever...

today was deff a 'whatever' kind of day...

inspirational:

LALALAwhatever...i love that song. for those who havent heard it...ya gotta hear it;) i think we all get to the whatever point. its been a few days since my last post because of september 11th. thats where it all began. so saturday it was whatever;)

avoided negativity by keeping myself preoccupied with whatever i could...i even got starbucks and didnt think of the fat content!

delivered SCENTSY and met with a new customer/friend...visited my step sister and her new baby:)

spent time with my kids and my alone time was driving from here to mesquite and back while Brayden slept...it was cool:)

no work out...but drank plenty of Dr. Oz's tangeraide and that stuff is the bomb! will deff get rid of belly fat!

i really dont have much to say in fear of venting about 9/11. just remember...not agreeing doesnt ever mean hate...dont let em fool ya<3

finding the beauty in who WE are...

i was extremely busy with a touch of being preoccupied the past 2 days so i apologize for the late post...

my inspirationals:

"beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news" Romans 10:15 ♥ 
-- LOVE this verse...i wanna be this person again. I think this is such a positive beautiul verse:)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in ...all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
--Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

--how awesome is this? This motivates me to regain "my light" to not let it be snubbed out by those people and things who seek to destroy me and my happiness due to the transgressions/shortcomings they hold within themselves.

 

i am doing great with pushing out the negatives i feel...however now its other peoples negatives all around me. i am trying to lift those around me up...sometimes it helps me sometimes it hurts me. This may sound selfish but i would really like to take a few days off...in serious need of a vacation.

 

no time alone today...unless you count the shower.

 

workout...zumba

 

did spend time with  my kids:)

 

felt like i hurt someones feelings and didnt like that...so i decided to have some wine...enjoyed it:)

this is me...love me or hate me...im going to be me! and i really like the real me. ive decided with this experiment/journey im not going to let what others think i should be or how i should act matter. I know God loves me and designed me for a unique purpose<3 im on  my way back to me!

Self-approval

Quote of the day: Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

  Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we're lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.
  In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our own best interest and being true to ourselves. In the end, that's the only approval that counts. -Melody Beattie from The Language of Letting Go.

The aforementioned quote sums up my entire life pretty much as well as today. The need to be loved, to be needed, and to be perfect are my biggest issues and they destroy most of my happiness and sanity to be quite honest. It is Saturday night so I won't be spending as much time on today's post because it has been a long day and I am exhausted. I'll be back tomorrow.

I have Seen the Enemy and it is I

To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Oh boy another rough day, boy I have my work cut out for me in regards to changing things. Denise seems to be "on it" and yet here I am struggling to get my crap together. I worked today and was pretty chipper but had a pretty major fight with the spouse and as of yesterday we have a 9 month old dog living with us as a "trial." If it doesn't work she'll be going back to her original owner. The hardest part is taking on 9 months of someone else's BS and what not. While the dog is very nice and good with us she is a puppy and requires lots of attention and was not at all properly trained with her last owner. We are struggling to decide whether or not its worth it with two toddlers. So that has put an enormous strain on my day.

In regards to helping a stranger today, I was actually the stranger who was helped today which was absolutely amazing. I subbed today in special ed and often times I find it very challenging especially with my personality and short fuse. However, it has brought many good things into my life and much appreciation for the love and support these teachers give these students. Anyway, I was told by the head teacher that I "have a knack for working with the kids and that I am so positive and it helps so much that I just 'jump right in' and start tending to their needs." I really felt appreciated and needed/wanted which is oftentimes rare as a substitute. So I really felt that I was getting back some of what I am putting out.

In regards to ten minutes by myself...sort of. This morning before work I took the dog for a 30 minute walk, while I wasn't totally alone I was away from other people which was nice.

I didn't get my gym time in today which really made me feel rather crappy about myself but tomorrow is another day.

As far as my negatives go...

a.) While looking in the mirror at school today I thought "wow I look 4 months pregnant that's pretty embarassing." Countered with only one positive which was "well I'll start working on my lower stomach then."

b.) My husband was supposed to be up at 6 am today so I could get ready for work and he could take care of the dog and kids. He woke up at 7 am AFTER I yelled at him that I had no time to get ready for work. Afterwards I realized that I could have been nicer about it instead of yelling. Often times I resent the fact that I am working and is staying home with the kids, and I also feel that his "sleeping in" is a blatant disregard for my feelings, but I know deep down that is not the case. I am realizing that until I feel better about my self, esteem wise, I will constantly think that people are "out to get me." When I know very well that is not the case.

c.) Had a few small moments where I hated my life or more "I wish....". Examples
     -I wish I made more money
     -I wish my husband made more money so I could stay home with my kids
     -I wish we had more kids
     -I wish my spouse was someone different
     -I wish I was thinner, smarter, prettier....pretty much anyone else but me.
     -I wish people liked me
     -I wish I wasn't so afraid to be me...
These can be tough because sometimes when these feelings wash over they come one right after the other and I am on a role and then there is no time to stop and redirect myself. The final one is my biggest obstacle. I spend 90% of my life doing what I think would make others happy. I am afraid to be myself, afraid to ask for what I want, afraid to be anything shy of what I assume perfection is. "What if they see my true colors and they stop loving me? Better to pretend to be something I'm not so that if/when they do leave it won't hurt as badly because I never showed them my true colors anyway."--This will be my final and most important "chip" or habit to break.

I picked up my Self Esteem book that my grandmother bought me a few Christmases ago and I am looking forward to picking up some other useful tools on breaking this pattern of abuse. I'm very ashamed of my pattern. Two weeks ago I was in the bathroom in just a bra and underwear and I was pinching my stomach and talking to myself hatefully while my 3 year old daughter watched. Later that day she was crying and told me (mind you she speaks of herself in third person) "I don't like Isabelle, Isabelle's ugly." WTF have I done to my beautiful precious daughter through my self torture of one of the people she holds on a pedestal. I love my children more than life and the last thing I would ever want is for either of them to suffer at their own hands especially. We hold the keys to our own happiness, the only person who can take that away is us.

learning lessons and giving up what we cant "control" and caring for others

day 3:

verse/inspirational:

"so we should realize that just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord our God disciplines us to help us." Deuteronomy 8:5

i believe certain things are allowed to happen to teach us lessons and not to continue doing the same things God himself points out to us as wrong...this is a HUGE deal ive seen with all the elders in my family. im afraid i at times may try to be an extremist the other way with this one...vowing not to tolerate anything else. theres a fine line with this one and i am trying to walk it...lol. trying not to be so blind and ate up with the fact "im right all the time" you keep repeating the same story line...even with different people/situations.like the game never changed...only the faces. ugh darn you generational curse! this is deff something i dont want my kids to do...so then i moved on to my next inspirational...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

what an awesome one that is:) now to live by it! this is hard because i do try to control...in what i think is a good way...but it never lets those around me do for themselves.(another old generational curse) ugh ugh ugh!

i did not get my 10 minutes alone...while showering it was the norm...my son was beating on the shower door...lol but i truly love that because i know one day he will be too big and wanna hang elsewhere than with mom:/

my work out was a 30 min walk with my baby boy,middle daughter and my sister<3 (who was actually smiling and laughing while we walked...score!)

i had several interactions with strangers today and had a huge smile on my face:) its contagious...except for a few and when they didnt return the smile...i cheesed it out like i had something to hide and they stared like WTH is up with that woman?! haha that was actually kinda fun:) i also chased down a reciept in the walwart parking lot for a lady who was very grateful...i told her she looked too cute to be running around after it...she loved that;)

there were several negatives that tried to invade today but i kicked their butts pretty hardcore today;)
my daughter and i went to order her boyfriends arm garter mum for homecoming (wow are they expensive) but okay...its only for a couple of times and i want her to live it up and enjoy her life! 

the overall attitude of doing anything in the house that doesnt pertain to ones self can be quite a bummer...instead of complaining i just 'blocked' people out for a few and then they got the picture ane helped (a little) lol

my son fights his sleep BIG time: 2 hours a night for bedtime. so instead of the ususal wearing myself out or trying to multitask even at that time of day: i shut the door,turned out the lights and gave him my full attention...it worked we cut the time down by about 30 min lol...still a work in progress

i spent time with each of my kids it was nice:)

i had a really hard time yesterday...i found out a local teenager killed himself. it bothered me so bad i had difficulty sleeping. And no he wasnt gay(that anyone knew) he was just a regular teen. he played basketball. went to a great school. had a pretty girlfriend. im not sure what would make him feel so very alone it would come to that :( but it absloutely breaks my heart. i heard different rumors of family problems at home and extended family. some people at school teasing him. it just makes me sick! people can be so damn mean. i wish i could have helped him though i didnt know him:/
i hope that people really understand what bullying and a feel of abandonment can do to some people...this kid reached out and noone heard. nowadays however its hard to reach out because people are so judgemental and mean you can afraid to or regret when you do. i know ive been there. this touches me to the very core of my heart. i feel like i felt like this over the summer. i was completely distraught and felt alone and abandoned. im not going to go into it all right now...but i was pretty much turned on by some very key people in my life. it hurt. it hurt bad. with God's grace and mercy i came out of it...this boy didnt:( there has to be something i can do to help others who feel this way...im praying God gives me an answer on what i can do to help. PLEASE people stop being mean. Stop caring only about your own household. Help people! Feed the hungry. donate clothes and household items. help someone clean. send someone a card.Stop being in a click and ganging up on 1 or 2 people. it hurts. its ugly. and i know God doesnt like it! you do matter...everyone matters. if we would all change whats in us this world would be a much better place<3

We Need Only be the Best Person that we can be!

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”- Rumi, thirteenth century Sufi poet

Today was so-so on keeping with my new plan. A few negatives (shocker in the weight department) and a few happiness pieces. As per usual I am really struggling with this weight stuff and its beginning to concern me how hard I am on myself to be honest. I want to stop comparing myself to others yet here I am each and every day struggling to let go of these pointless comparisons with others on body figures and such. I know that I am my own worst enemy and that my only responsibility in regards to weight is to be the best that Guin can be, not some figment of my imagination. However, I think I enjoy self torturing;).

My one kindness to a stranger came forth today at work when I subbed for a PreK class. The teacher was absolutely gorgeous and you could tell she worked out. Not only that, but she was a terrific teacher and so patient with the kiddos. I told her at the end of the day how great she was as a teacher and how I haven't seen many as good as her (which was the truth in my eyes) and then I let her know that her hard work at the gym was paying off as she looked very fit etc etc. She seemed very flattered and happy by these comments and it made me happy to help brighten someone's day.

In regards to negative comments I had oh probably a dozen at least in regards to body image and at the current moment I don't exactly feel like going into mass detail but suffice it to say that I have a lot of work to do. That's it for today...just too exhausted and disappointed to go into detail.